The blip below was originally emailed to Nan on 9/18, then shared with Eryn a week or so ago. It’s at least the starting point for the changes that are going on within me right now.
*sigh* okay… let’s see if i can figure out where to start. i guess we’ll just go day by day. that’s probably easies
Monday – well, first that morning, manny caught andy with a lighter in the bathroom where he’d blackened the edge of the TP holder. THANK GOD the wood nor the paper didn’t catch on fire. so he got a huge lecture about playing with fire (i’m sure you’re well aware that we’ve been through this multiple times in the past with him) especially when you live in a house that is entirely made of wood. he got grounded from all "fun" activities and the PS3 for 1 month.
i also get a phone call from andy that afternoon with his orchestra teacher in the bkg b/c he didn’t have the dividers he needed for the binder (nor the binder itself obviously) at which point i told him it was HIS fault b/c he should have reminded alex to get them for him, since i’d already told alex to do so.
Tuesday – i get a call from andy’s math teacher saying he hasn’t turned in homework from last week and she’d been reminding him daily, and he would have detention with her friday morning (today). i wrote down teh assignment and assured her she’d have it the following day. (she did.)
Wednesday – mid-day i get a call from andy’s orchestra teacher about him not having his binder and he’s always got some excuse for where it is and she can’t teach him if he’s not prepared, blah blah blah. i do understand but at some point i started thinking she was starting to come across to me as being a huge b*. i dont’ think she meant to come across that way, it’s just the frustration of dealing with andy, but still…
i was supposed to go to MILs to get the pc, which is no big deal. then manny emailed me wanting me to go all the way across town to get some high quality air filters someone had posted online that were free. it meant a 1.5hr round trip drive to our old neighborhood (near the apts we lived in when me and you met) in rush hour for something that may or may not be there when i get there. i did NOT want to go and i was NOT happy about it either, esp b/c it was church service. i finally decided to go just b/c i’d rather me be mad at him for wasting my time (which it was) than to let him be mad at me for not doing something he’d asked b/c he’d just find a way to throw it back in my face during some future argument.
so i left work at 445 and it was 640 by the time i pulled into the driveway. b/c i’d made a snarky comment about missing church to run his errand, he took that to mean i wasn’t going. dinner had barely been started, the boys obviously weren’t ready for church, and i was ready to walk back out the door. first off, he’d moved everything into the dining room that morning by himself so he could paint the living room floor (it was mostly done by the time i got home). then after school, he’d gone out back and found andy with a matchbook he’d found somewhere, lighting them and throwing them in the grass. and of course he’s lying about it despite being caught red handed. so know we’re at 2 months grounding + no PS3 and he was in his room working on cleaning it up. okay, so that at least explained why manny was cranky.
as we drove to church, i pointed out to andy that his punishment meant that he wasn’t going to be able to go see 33Miles next weekend. he got really upset at that and started crying about everyone hating him. i told him that nobody hated him but that he’d made some very bad decisions. then i asked him why after everything on monday, he’d made such a stupid decision as to do it again. so then he got upset b/c i called stupid. i tried to calmly explain that no i didn’t say he was stupid, just that he’d made a stupid and foolish decision. btwn the unnecessary trip across town and andy’s behavior (and apparently the unidentified pms) i was extremely angry and completely not feeling the whole ‘worship’ thing.
okay, so i had managed to at least settle down to an aggravated state by the time worship was over (3 songs worth – Go God!) and tried my best to stay focused on the message. scott read acts 13 and then started talking about how it’s basically about watching people. how if we’re eating and the waiter is gabbing with his friends while our drink goes unrefilled, we see that b/c we’re watching. how people watch us, especially when they know that we’re a Christian to see what we do and how we react to things. how Christian are portrayed in society – typically as either a freak or a hypocrit, so that makes more people watch to see what we do. and the more scott talked, the more convicted i got. and we’re talking that 4×4 upside the head hard. as a side note, wendy had made a comment wednesday night about her radio being broken so she had a long drive in to work with nothing to do but pray.
i realized that i make every conscious effort to watch my behavior at work, how i react when i’m stressed or if something makes me angry, b/c my reaction is my Witness. i watch how i am in traffic and at the store or out to eat. but while i’m so conscious about what my co-workers and total strangers see from me, i don’t make that same effort with my family when they’re supposed to mean the most. i was hit very hard by the fact that my reaction that afternoon was a PRIME example. i tell the boys over and over and over – pray, read your bible, go to church – but then i make excuses why i should skip a service or fellowship time, and they NEVER see me praying or reading my bible except during church, and that makes me a hypocrit. i complain about how much time they spend playing video games and then get angry b/c they have an excuse for not doing their chores, yet i spend hours online reading stories or playing silly computer games and then make excuses about how i’m too tired to pray or i just don’t have time to read my bible. again, a hypocrit. i spend week after week after week in church praying for forgiveness for not being obedient, for not keeping the promises and resolutions i make over and over again. i know exactly what He’s telling me to do and i WANT to do it, yet i find excuse after excuse to not follow through, to put flesh before the Spirit, to continue putting myself in the path of temptation. i won’t lie to you. it hurt like hell and i felt like total crap on the way home from church that night. i decided not to make any rash decisions – i tend to do that in case you hadn’t noticed – and decided i’d be best praying and sleeping on it and talking with God in the morning.
Thursday – okay, now the joke’s on me. i’m sitting in the car, trying to drive and scroll through my phone at the same time so i can stream KSBJ b/c diana’s car doesn’t have a radio. um, you remember that side note about wendy? yeah. slam, there’s that 4×4 again. deep breath, and i decide i might as well have that talk. hmph. not sure what to say, do, or think. by the time i make it to Hwy 225, the Spirit is starting to wake up and it’s all crashing. okay, this is a bit goofy to admit, and i felt incredibly silly talking to myself at the time, but i ended up turning on voice notes and recording everything that was going through my head b/c i knew i’d want to blog it and would never be able to capture it all later. so it just all came pouring out and by the time i pulled into a parking spot at work i’ve got tear tracks down my face and my eye makeup’s smudged.
i straighten myself out and come in to work. open my email and the first thing i notice is zephra’s email. her name always pops out at me, though i don’t know whether it’s because it’s so unusual or just b/c of the content that’s usually there. so anyway, i open the email and it’s that Lord’s Prayer that i sent you. *sigh* dangit, there goes that stupid board again. then work is absolute crazy and there’s no time to talk to you about what’s going on.
Friday – and that leads us to today, where life is a little saner, although now on the homefront i’ve had all i can take of children that devote too much time to computers and aren’t doing their chores – to the point of not putting up leftovers and thus wasting food – (this is a long standing daily issue by now, i just haven’t complained about it for the most part) that i told manny this morning enough. new rule effective today. unless it’s a family time or school work, no tv/video games/pc until they develop the habit of doing their chores. the longer it takes them, the longer they go without. harsh, yes, but if i’ve got to learn this lesson then so do they.
so i’ve yet to actually take physical action on anything, and to say why not just means more excuses, but apparently i’m really good at that. and i’m really feeling the spiritual conviction pouring on me – it’s really bad at this exact moment in time. i feel like such a complete flake always bouncing back and forth btwn stories and fan worlds and whether i will or won’t do this or that. i give it up with all good intentions and then go right back to it a few days/weeks/months down the road. how do you tell people yet again that you just can’t be part of this world? that – to borrow from SM – that it’s your heroin and it’s time to stop playing games in rehab and get serious? is any of it ever going to be truly safe or will i always run a risk of getting sucked back in no matter how hard i try not to? is it okay to save the current favs into word for some year down the road or do i just go with what i’ve already got and be thankful i’ve got at least that much? where’s the line? is there even one for me? and the irony of it all, i had the most incredible fanfic dream last night. i can’t remember most of it now, but it’d have made a really great story.